Sister sent this to me today and it describes my current mood perfectly…

Dear Kotex:
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of “Kotex Tips for Life” on it. Annoying advice such as: Staying active during your period can relieve cramps. Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps andheadaches. Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydratedand feeling fresh. Try Kotex blah blah blah other products…

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from you-know-where…but go ahead…I triple-dog-friggen- dare-ya.. . See what happens and report back. I’ll wait.

While you’re at it, dump out the coffee at work and emove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggen- tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps…well guess what, the only activities that interest me are eating, sleeping, griping, or crying for no apparent reason.. …..and oh…does ripping someone’s head off count as a stupid activity?????

Look, females don’t need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing “helpful” junk like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates. Printing out ridiculous advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. It’s not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy garbageto your products or the packaging. Put the stuff in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don’t ya just add an in-store microphone to the stupid package & announce that…helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your rear.

PS How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead!!!

What’s so funny about this is that this morning, my Always package said “Have a happy period”. Seriously? I think just reading it annoyed me. If you really want to put something on those packages that will make a lot of women happy, you should print, “Congratulations! You’re not pregnant!”


3 responses »

  1. LMAO!!
    That last bit, congrats you’re not pregnant, reminds me of that one episode of Sex and the City, when Samantha had a “I’m not Pregnant” party. Good stuff that. LOL

    I missed Dancing with the Stars last night-watching Grey’s Anatomy. YAY!

  2. Classic. I love it and I think I have mentally blocked those commercials that have some poor voice actor saying ‘Have a happy period’. Yeah. I’ll get right on that.

    You know what, I’ve been buying Always for so long I just don’t care about the package. The worst thing they do is change all the packaging so I get super frustrated because now the ‘night time’ pads look like they should be the same as the ‘uber long’ pad and yet, there are fewer for more money. Then they put like diamonds and crap on the packages and it said ‘just remember the sign’. Uh, how about I read the package. Not stupid.

    After that, it’s all downhill 😉


  3. Have a happy period??? Are you serious? They actually put that on a product?

    *scratching head* I gotta wonder who came up with that.

    A happy period. Sheesh. It sounds like we’re little girls being sent off to kindergarten and being told to “Have a happy day!”

    Much too perky for me.

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