New Age Fairy Tales

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Sorry it’s been so long since we’ve posted. We’ll explain why soon. In the meantime, here’s a quickie…

Newly Remastered Nursery Rhymes for the 21st Century:

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, “What have you got there?”
Said the Pie man unto Simon, “Pies, you dumb Ass”

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad…….. She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

And lastly, this is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a
handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. “
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautied frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don’t freakin’ think so.

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