Applying to be a Dame…


Several years ago I bought this book:


It has a silly thing you should do every day for an entire year.  I’m guessing it will change your life because you will no longer be able to take yourself seriously any longer.  I only made it through the first 40 days.  The things are varied but all are strange.  Some of the things I have completed are:

Day 3 – Today, throw something away that you like = I threw away all the brown peanut M&M’s from my package.  It was hard but I made it through.

Day 11 – Introduce yourself to someone you know but never speak to = I introduced myself to the company “mailroom guy”. He always knew my name because he brought mail addressed to me but I never knew what his actual name was. It’s Randy.

Day 13 – Send a letter to a Mass Murderer = The book provided addresses for several so I sent a letter to Charles Manson.  The date happened to be April 1, 2004 so in honor of April Fool’s Day I sent him a knock knock joke. I didn’t sign the letter or put a return address on it and mailed it from my office after I had wiped all fingerprints from it – can’t be too careful – this guy is a nut!

Day 16 – Discreetly give “the finger” to people all day = this was a really fun day. Most people didn’t notice but my friend Kelli knew what I was doing, thought it was fun, and started doing it too. 

Anyway, one of the reasons I stopped was I got stuck on Day 41 – Apply for Knighthood. I’m too cheap to buy the postage to mail a letter to England so I just sort of quit.  Well, today I got the book back out and decided I’d see if I could find an e-mail address for the Queen of England so I could finish my book but not spend any actual money.  I Googled “queen england email” and actually found one. This is the e-mail I sent to her:

Dear Queen of England – I am writing to request that I be the female version of knighted – would that be damed (careful not to confused that with damned – I don’t want to be damned)? I am really quite a remarkable person. I am very humble, pretty, not too fat, witty, and have an excellent vocabulary. Truly virtues in anyone’s book. Although I am not a British citizen (and by the way, what is the difference between Britain, Great Britain, England and the United Kingdom? I really and truly don’t know – if I learned this, wold you Dame me then?) but I am a wonderful American citizen that has never committed a crime or served time in a local or federal jail or prison (although I do enjoy watching “Lock UP” – if you’ve not seen it, you rally should give it a try). I have a friend who watches Cops but he says it’s only to look for people he knows or relatives – my relatives are fine upstanding citizens so I see no need for me to watch that show. My hobbies include reading (and I do love an Elizabethan romance novel – will this help my chances for being Damed?), photography and scrapbooking. If you Dame me, I will scrapbook photos of you, my official Dame certificate – there will be a certificate, won’t there? Perhaps a sash? There must be some sort of official something or my friends will never believe me. If you want to send me some sort of crown, that would be okay too. I like jewelry so I’ll take good care of it and promise to never sell it on E-bay. I respectfully await your response. Thank you in advance for your prompt attention to this matter and Happy’s Mother’s Day! Mrs. Jennifer A.  – the soon to be Dame (not Damned) Jennifer. Does the Dame take the place of the Mrs? Would that mean my husband (who is really cute and you would probably like him although he would have a very funny sounding accent to you) would be a Mr. Dame? Just wondering.

Toot-a-loo !

Try not to be jealous when I get my crown 🙂



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